The Incredible Hulk is the only superhero to rock the ‘homeless guy’ outfit – shredded pants, no shirt, no shoes. When Bruce Banner transforms into the Hulk, he usually grows so exponentially muscular and large, that his shirt is literally ripped into shreds. And his pants become shorts with inadvertent fringes on the bottom.

This often leads me to wonder: how come his pants never burst at the seams? That’s like the fault-line for any pair of trousers, right? Unless the green dude has some really weird vital stats, of course. He does seem to have an unlimited wardrobe of black trousers. Does his tailor receive special instructions to use tear-proof fabric for the butt region?

And why does L’Oreal never approach Bruce Banner to endorse cosmetics for stretch marks? Any woman on the planet would give an arm and a leg for the Hulk’s secret to perfect, marks-free skin.

Superman - Now everyone’s familiar with the most famous superhero’s most famous routine: sneaking into an empty alley or phone booth, ripping off the suit, shirt and tie (and presumably, the pants too), and breaking out the costume that is an ode to the primary colors.

The most talked about complaint about his outfit – red underwear over blue tights – was not what bothered me the most. Nor did Clark Kent’s laughable disguise (OMG, spectacles!). It’s the five feet long cape. Where does Kal-El tuck his cape while he is masquerading as Clark Kent? Into his trousers, I suppose. That must really get in the way whenever the son of Krypton needs to go potty.

Speaking of nature’s calls, what would Spiderman do if he suddenly had to go in the middle of a rescue operation? It’s not like his uniform has a discernible fly to speak of, right? Obviously it takes too long to get out of the spandex, take care of business, get back into the costume and then resume the chase sequence. That can work only if the bad guys have one leg each and are trying to get away on unicycles in rush hour traffic. There can only be one explanation: Spiderman’s real superpower is to hold the urge for several hours at a time. Take that, Nature!

Iron Man: Don’t even get me started on how he looks, when trying to take off using the mini-booster rocket thingies in his palms. It’s like striking a pose that says “I’m a pretty, pretty girl”. Let’s just agree that his only commendable superpower is to get Robert Downey Jr. to play him and move on.

He-Man was my favorite superhero during childhood for several reasons. One, his show was on Sunday mornings, so there was hardly any excuse for me to miss an episode (unlike Spidey who decided to show up only on weekday afternoons). Two, this guy has an actual weapon, which allowed me to brandish a stick and yell “GRAYSKULL!” a few thousand times a day.

But once I got thinking, I decided He-Man has the most pathetic superpower of all: the utter stupidity of all the people around him, who can’t see through his Prince Adam disguise. Prince Adam has a giant, green tiger for a pet. He-Man rides a saddled, masked, green super-tiger. Prince Adam has a blonde, feminine haircut. So does He-Man. Prince Adam wears a pink shirt and lavender trousers. AHA, but He-Man doesn’t! Hence He-Man and Prince Adam are two completely different people. The collective IQ of the planet of Eternia must be their biggest embarrassment. How else do you explain being terrorized by a hooded skeleton with a permanent, stupid grin on his face?

Batman – Now I like Batman, so I can’t really find a lot of shortcomings in his personality. Perfects his own weaponry, fights with his bare fists, no superpowers that he was born with or got bitten by. But if he gets rid of the ridiculous eyeliner, the world would be a much better place.

Wonder Woman – Invisible plane and lasso of truth. What funny stuff were her creators smoking when they drew up her arsenal? And for all the powers she’s got, she can’t afford enough fabric for herself? At least the Hulk has an excuse for being skimpily dressed.

The only entity that’s close to replicating God’s success today is Apple. Those folks at 1 Infinity Loop have it all figured out – “Entice and Enslave”. I bet there is a secret Apple mission statement that goes something like that. And I bet it’s more carefully guarded than Coca Cola’s recipe or Donald Trump’s comb.

Of course, Apple is not the first company to try and take over an entire generation. Disney has been doing it for years. They visit kids as soon as they are born – literally, in the hospital maternity wards – to give away free Mickey Mouse blankets and hotel discounts for the kid’s first trip to Disneyland. Five years in advance.  That explains the Hannah Montana fan base, doesn’t it?

While poor Disney is still figuring out how to push ads into mommy’s tummy and how to retain its market share beyond the age of 14, Apple has already found the golden-egg-laying goose.  It went the other way, by first targeting all the young adults.

And then Apple went after an even younger group – teenagers – who are thrilled at the slightest opportunity to act like young adults. Of course, by that I mean spending money and showing off stuff. Not going to work, paying taxes or buying groceries.

After the first caveman picked up a stick and clubbed a sheep to death, can you imagine what the rest of his tribe did? They all went looking for sticks, of course. Now you know what happens when you put a sleek iPod into a teenager’s hands, stick white earphones into his head and show him to other teenagers. The rest is history, which we have all witnessed the rewriting of:

Music player iPod

Songs iTunes

Computer / Watch / Camera / GPS / Mirror / Friend iPhone

Einstein / Santa Claus / God Steve Jobs

Tirupati / Mecca / Jerusalem Apple store

Diwali / Ramzan / Christmas / Birthday / Anniversary / Sex Apple product launch

A few months ago I was on a plane waiting to take off, when I heard two loud voices behind me at once, “NO iPAD!” I turned around to see a stern-faced couple and their sulking daughter. She wasn’t old enough to even get her own seat. Or talk.

Ooh, what fun times ahead for the missus and me! I can now see what the future looks like for most people like us, who decided to make new people:

• The baby will achieve a high score on Angry Birds before she even visits a zoo or playground for the first time.
• Mom and Dad will walk into the living room to find the TV screen smeared with tiny, chocolate-covered fingerprints, because she was trying to ‘unlock’ it.
• When she finally learns to talk – How high can a giraffe jump? Where do babies come from? What is a hooker? Why can’t we eat pizza every day? What does Spiderman do when he has to go to the bathroom? – naturally, she won’t be talking to her parents, because Siri never says “Not now. Can’t you see I’m busy?”
• For her 5^th or 6^th birthday she may get a bike or a puppy, but she won’t be happy because what she actually asked for is an iPod Touch (“But all of my friends have one!”).
• When she wants to sneak out of the house to party with her friends, there will be an app for that.
• When she decides to get her own phone, she will pick an iPhone of course, having grown up with the same user interface.

You still don’t buy the argument that a profit-making organization can command a religious following without messing with free will? Consider for a moment the famous child of Apple and Disney. Now go find one person – of any age – who has a genuine hatred of what Pixar does.

I think I have made my point. Dear God, you have some serious competition.

Thank you for bringing this beautiful, fragile, hungry-as-a-hippo, sleepy-by-day-whiny-by-night, diaper-destroying creature into my life. You, above all (pun intended), know how much I begged for this to happen. I owe you big time, okay?

And since you are obviously on a prayer-response schedule right now, I thought I might make good use of this time and sneak in a few more. Please don’t mind. It’s not like you’re running out of wishes to grant, right?

–x–

Please let her love the outdoors, so she can describe all the amazing things she sees to her grandkids, who would obviously be living in glass-encased colonies by the year 2080.

Do not let her put anyone else in the world above her mommy. Except her own babies and husband, of course.

Let her love animals. Especially dogs. Please. I’m begging you.

Let boys fall for her looks, but help her remember that it’s their weakness and not her strength.

Let her always love, respect and take pride in her vocation and skills. No matter what profession she takes up or how much she earns. Even investment banking, for that matter.

Even if she doesn’t believe in You or understand Your true form, let her take refuge in Hope – which is basically an atheist’s version of You.

Let her not call herself a citizen of any one country. She lives on a miniscule, fragile and finite piece of rock anyway.

Let her never go down without a spectacular and fierce fight.

Let Tina Fey not sue me for drawing inspiration from her prayer for her own daughter.

Let her lead and inspire a few people and be led only by the best. Okay, maybe just one of the worst for a short while, so that she can truly appreciate life better.

Let her never waste food or time. Let her waste money a few times, but only in her pursuit of non-materialistic joys. Not make-up. Or tattoos. Or fake fingernails with Justin Bieber on them (Please, NO!).

Let her love and devour books. It’s up to you if you want to make her wear glasses. It’s not like it’s the end of the world, right?

Let her enjoy old movies and songs, so she can imagine a simple, uncomplicated world sometimes.

Give her the capacity to keep her thoughts to herself. In the company of best friends, take it away.

Let her be a fan of Charlie Chaplin and animated movies. That way she and I can have something in common for a long, long time.

When she becomes a teenager, let her rebel against me. But do remind her that I specifically asked you for a girl child.

It’s okay if you occasionally make her naïve enough to think she’s smarter than her parents’ combined IQ. But give her the sensibility to say ‘No’ when the dangers of young life taunt her.

Let no government allow me to carry a gun by the time she starts dating. This time, remind ME that I specifically asked for a girl child.

Do not give her the perfect life partner. Let it be someone whose weaknesses are complimented by her strengths and who needs her just as much as she needs him.

Give her a long, full and exciting life. That way she can look back as an old lady and say “I was born in a home which had one TV, I had to carry heavy books to study and you actually had to walk to go places. Now look at how the world has changed – personal 3D holograph projectors, flying cars, and WHY DOES THIS FOOD PILL SAY ‘PIZZA’ WHEN I SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR PASTA???”

–x–

Thanks in advance, God.

P.S.: There’s just one last thing, if you’re still listening. Let aliens be discovered at least in HER lifetime. Thank you.

I feel really good about my country when I watch Rang De Basanti or Lagaan, but I find it so inconvenient to stand upright for 52 seconds when the national anthem plays unexpectedly.

I would rather pay 200 bucks to the police constable than risk not getting my passport on time. I have to fly away to better lands soon, after all. I don’t give a damn about Anna Hazare. And neither do you…

[This post continues here]

Filed under: It's a Jungle Out There Tagged: Anna Hazare, Corruption, India, People, Politics ]]> http://theishu.wordpress.com/2011/08/20/i-dont-give-a-damn-about-anna-hazare-and-neither-do-you/feed/ 14 theishu http://theishu.wordpress.com/2011/08/06/bookshelf-august-2011/ http://theishu.wordpress.com/2011/08/06/bookshelf-august-2011/#comments Sat, 06 Aug 2011 08:36:48 +0000 theishu http://theishu.wordpress.com/?p=767 ]]> The Bookshelf has been cleared of cobwebs and updated with some very good picks. Keep reading.

Before we could be together, we endured an agonizingly long struggle; against her folks (who were idiots of the top order), and my family (adamant in its disapproval of her), some financial troubles, some legal complications and everything else that fate seemed capable of throwing at us. After what seemed like the proverbial eternity, things were finally looking up. My family gave in – reluctantly at first and then nearly as enthusiastic as I was – thank God. As for her folks, well, let’s just say they didn’t matter anymore to either of us. On a pleasant sunny winter day, she finally became mine and I hers.

Our first time together; it was literally a dark, stormy night. Yet we couldn’t have been more comfortable and at ease with each other. I now really believe those studies which say first-time encounters in dangerous circumstances stay memorable for a lifetime. Up close, she was more beautiful than ever. She was everything I had ever dreamed of. We spent three beautiful days together. Friends and well-wishers showered praise for the prize that she is and for the good fortune that was mine.

Three incredible days. And then she met with an accident. Multiple fractures, head injuries and a broken back. I teetered on the edge of heartbreak for the next few days. My family had the tolerance to put up with the sulking, irritable monster I had become. After a month-long series of treatments, when they wheeled her out for the first time, I noticed I no longer felt the rush I used to whenever I saw her. I was allowed to bring her home, but it’s like she was completely different on the inside. Looking back on all of it, I couldn’t blame myself completely for feeling the way I did. After all, I had watched the one before her die in near-identical circumstances just ten months earlier.

The first time she was ready to go out, I laid my hand on her gently but with much indifference. I could feel familiar senses rekindle. But then life happened. Two days after she came home, she was hit by a jerk backing his car up. While I was holding her. Though she only suffered a few bruises, the incident left me badly shaken.

I know she’ll be well. And she’s physically much more capable than me at regaining all her original strength. Surprisingly I felt less terrible for her this time. Maybe it’s the magnitude of her injuries. In any case, I wished my family shared my optimism. Because I know that when she gets back home this time – whenever that is – she will be taken away from me. I do still want her but my wife has declared she needs her more. Maybe she’s jealous. Or maybe it’s for the best. Either way, I wish them both a happy and comfortable life together.

My dear wife, keep her happy. My dear Prius, keep my precious missus comfy and safe.

What’s Up? 3D – Director: Priyadarshan – India’s first 3D comedy

Priyadarshan will be teaming up with Salman Khan to deliver the laughs once more. While he vehemently denies any coincidental plot similarities with Hollywood comedies new or old, he pointed out that Khan’s biceps and abs will be there for all to enjoy in three-dimensional glory.

Dilwale Dulhaniya ko Dubai Le Jayenge – Director: Karan Johar – India’s first 3D romantic thriller, NRI love story starring Shah Rukh Khan

So far you’ve only seen two sides of King Khan – the romantic and the dark persona. This time you get to see the third dimension. Set against the backdrop of human trafficking and the rich vs poor divide among Indians living in the UAE, this film is already gathering rave reviews at world previews. And best of all, it’s been affectionately dubbed “3DLJ” by the industry pundits.

3D Chashmeyy Baddoorr – Director: Farah Khan – India’s first 3D comedy remake

This modern-day adaptation of the Delhi-based comedy starring Farooq Sheikh and Deepti Naval will have Akshay Kumar paired up with Katrina Kaif once again. As always, Farah Khan has an interesting twist: as you can see from the title, the movie is about 3D movies in present-day Bollywood.

Boo! – Director: Ram Gopal Verma – India’s first 3D horror-thriller-gangster flick

RGV too has stuck his fingers into the 3D pie. His latest project will employ an innovative storytelling technique. “The story will play out backwards in time as well as space”, the iconic filmmaker says. “If the audience isn’t smart enough to get it, don’t blame me”.

Sholaayy 3D – Director: Farhan Akhtar – India’s first 3D movie with Amitabh Bachchan in it

Big B is expected to play Thakur in this latest re-imagining of the hit movie. Farhan Akhtar comments, “I originally went to see Amitabh uncle and read him a totally unrelated script. But throughout the time we were talking, I noticed he wasn’t moving his arms at all. That’s when it hit me!”

Mughal-3D-Azam – Director: Ashutosh Gowariker – India’s first 3D period film

The big boss of period filmmakers takes up the grand daddy of period films. Deepika Padukone has signed on to reprise the role of Madhubala, while Big B will play Akbar the Great himself. Ranbir Kapoor was originally scheduled to play Salim, but he has since dropped out of the film citing scheduling conflicts.

Taare Nazar Aa Gaye – Director: Aamir Khan – India’s first 3D entry for the Oscars

Aamir Khan wields the megaphone again for this moving story about a 5-year old girl who has a rare eye disorder because of which she cannot perceive depth. “We all take 3D for granted in our real lives”, the acclaimed actor wrote on his blog. “In this movie, the plight of such helpless children will be shown so realistically that everyone can experience what they go through. While the rest of the movie will be in 3D, the protagonist’s POV (point-of-view; industry term) will be shown in 2D. Audience may face some difficulty at first, adjusting to the difference by constantly taking off their 3D glasses and putting them back on, but it’s only a fraction of the inconvenience that these innocent souls go through every single day of their lives”.

Papa 3D – Director: Subhash Ghai – India’s first family drama in 3D

Ghai’s poster boy Jackie Shroff will play the titular character in this movie. The director had once famously claimed that “Black and White” would be his last movie. “But I was only talking about 2D movies then”, he claimed at a recent press conference. “I don’t understand why the media always tries to twist my words out of context. Seriously, if you want me to stop making movies, just let me know and I’ll retire happily”.

Paanchaali – Director: Mani Ratnam – India’s first Mani Ratnam movie in 3D

The critically acclaimed director from South India has taken up the story of Draupadi as the central theme of his latest venture. Set against the dark underbelly of street poker in Mumbai, the movie has Aishwarya Rai in what we believe is the role of the princess from Mahabharat. R. Madhavan plays one of 5 young men who have a crush on her, a la Pandavas. Abhishek Bachchan will be playing the role of a modern-day Dushasana and Hrithik Roshan will play Krrish, a well-to-do illusionist. The film will be simultaneously shot in Hindi, Bhojpuri and all four south Indian languages.

Kanth 3D – Director: Shankar – World’s first 3D Rajinikanth movie

In an interesting turn of events, big studios such as AVM, Eros International and even Dreamworks have been scrambling to produce this movie which hasn’t even turned up a single page of script yet. With lavish visuals from the FX team behind Avatar, this is expected to be the world’s most expensive movie and will include footage shot on the International Space Station!

Thiruda 3D – Director: Shruti Hassan – Kamal Hassan’s first 3D movie

This cleverly titled movie has been in development for the last 15 years and is finally seeing the light of the day on Pongal. The first-time director Shruti Hassan talks about her famous dad’s role in a recent interview: “In a metaphorical sense, he will play the length, breadth and depth of the film”

Seema Simham Prachandasenaa Reddy – Director: Puri Jagannath – Tollywood’s first 3D movie

Balakrishna has kicked off his first 3D project amid great fanfare last year, just before he announced his active entry into state politics. According to inside sources, production was halted after a few demo reels were filmed in order to give Balayya some time to travel abroad for another round of liposuction. It’s 3D after all!

Ruthikaa DD 3D – Director: Shakeela – India’s first softcoremallu film in 3D

Get ready for some grown-ups only entertainment in all three dimensions in this inappropriately titled movie from God’s own godforsaken country. Famous actress Shakeela will be directing, producing and playing the lead in this film which has run into several tiffs with the censor board right from the start.

—————————————————————–

The small screen too will be getting its big share of 3D entertainment starting this year. Several projects have been green-lit across the country by many national and regional channels to bring the new dimension directly into your living rooms.*

CID 3D – Sony Entertainment Television – India’s first 3D crime series

“Daya, darwaza 3D mein tod do!” ‘Nuff said.

Kkoii to Dekkhooo, Pleezzz! – Star Plus – India’s first 3D soap opera

Ekta Kapoor’s mighty pen has promised another decade of ultra-realistic family dynamics in this multi-starrer serial, set to begin shooting next July.

Maami – Sun Network – South India’s first 3D soap opera

Radhika Sarathkumar’s Radaan Mediaworks will soon bring former screen siren Rambha to the television. At last report, Rambha has grown considerably in size after settling into a comfortable married life  away from the spotlight, which makes her an ideal launchpad for the show. Radhika did not mean the launchpad comment literally, according to a spokesperson for the DMK party.

*At this point, the Supreme Court has not ruled yet regarding the telecast of live cricket matches in 3D. The ESPN vs Star Cricket legal battle is now entering its second year.