And then the score was Eye-1, Brain-0

DISCLAIMER: Do not try the following at home. Ishu holds no responsibility for what happens to you if you do. So avoid this crap by giving your eye doctor the finger if he tells you to marinate indoors for 2 weeks.

DISCLAIMER – 2: Ishu also holds no responsibility to what your eye doc does to you after the aforementioned action.

Tips for surviving a 2-week ban on books, TV, laptop and outdoors:

  • Celebrate the break from work 🙂 Woo hoo!!
  • Call friends everyday and bug them. Forget it if you’ve got that touch-screen phone which you are now not allowed to look at, so can’t use
  • Settle for bugging just those friends who made the big mistake of calling you
  • Get some audio books. Good ones. Note: Audio book is not the same as the ‘read out loud’ feature on a PDF e-book. TRUST ME, IT’S NOT.
  • Sleep a LOT. If you’re having any difficulty achieving this goal, try the aforementioned ‘read out loud’ feature in Adobe Acrobat (recommended: bank statement PDF)
  • Have nightmares all the time, usually featuring characters from the audio book you are listening to
  • Give up on audio books. Swear never to say “Lord of the…” EVER.
  • Listen to all the media coverage about Michael Jackson’s painkillers addiction. Proceed to freak out, stop medication, freak out big-time, continue medication
  • Get uber-religious and ultra-spiritual without warning or explanation. Listen to the Mahabharata, Ramayana and Bhagavadgita, all in a single day. Proceed to call the wife during an office meeting and dictate a 10-page list of ‘Humanitarian Things To Do As Soon I’m All Better’
  • Be a good husband and let the wife freak out this time. Note: Do not try this when the wife is at home. Always call her at work and then let the shit hit the fan. This gives her time to exit the ‘husband-killer’ state of mind before she returns from work
  • Run out of people to call up. Last resort: folks from the workplace
  • Tell yourself “NO, I will NOT let this boredom drive me that crazy!” and successfully avoid calling the office
  • Answer all telemarketing calls and try to discuss the latest Hollywood gossip until the caller hangs up on you
  • Ignore the fire alarm in the building until the fire engines arrive
  • Catch hold of the guy from the 2nd floor, who cooked under the smoke detector and beat him up. Once the alarms stop, wake up from the dream and go back into the apartment
  • Wait until the wife has got her hands full with cooking, dishwashing, laundry and vacuuming and then shout a random phrase every 5 minutes. Recommended phrases:
- FRUIT JUICE!!
- WATER!!
- FRUIT JUICE (THIS TIME WITHOUT SEEDS)!!
- WHADDYA MEAN APPLE JUICE HAS NO SEEDS? COME HERE, I’LL SHOW YOU ONE!
- FRESH UNDERWEAR!!
- THE BLUE ONE! THIS GRAY ONE DOESN’T GO WITH MY PYJAMAS!!
- PLEASE!!
- PRETTY PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON TOP!!
- ROOM SERVICE!!
- HELP!! MY WIFE IS AN AXE-MURDERER!!
  • Wake the wife at 3am and ask for lemon juice
  • 3:15am: “This has got too much sugar in it. It’s making me nauseous”
  • Wake up and say “1 down, 13 days to go! Yeah, baby!!”
  • Wonder why the suitcases are missing
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11 comments

  1. @Swee – As always, you give me something new to be grateful for 🙂

    @Vimal – Thanks, macha! I can SO hear your trademark laugh in my head 😛

    @Shreyan – Oh, you dont wanna know. Believe me! 😀

  2. OMG, you must have done something real awful for this ban on your head! And the random phrases – I think all you guys are sadists, taking advantage of us poor “biwis”!! LOL!!

  3. @mrunalini – Now who do you think I was referring to when I mentioned friends who unfortunately happened to call me? 😛

    @thoughtfultrain – No response is going to satisfy all the ‘biwis’ of the world, so I’ll say no more 🙂

    @Roshmi – So Ranchi, eh? Well, I guess we all learn something new everyday

  4. i can add to list…if one cant resist from keeping their hands off the laptop, one can pratice typing ‘asdf’ and ‘;lkj’ stuff i mean without turning it on 🙂

  5. Pingback: And then dolphins saved my job « And Then…


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