And then I crumbled like a biscuit

No matter how many times my faith in it is reinforced, Murphy’s Law feels compelled to remind me again and again of its universal validity. Again and again and again. Every single day.

How else do you explain the way EVERY morning I board the bus to find all the seats taken? All except that one next to HER. Just one empty seat. No more, no less.

I would have gladly stood for the entire 30-minute journey if all the seats were taken. But NOOOOOO…… there’s always that same single, empty seat which stands out, sticking out its tongue and mocking me, “I dare you to sit here, Ha!

What’s wrong with HER that makes me fuss about a seat? Nothing. Please let it be on record that I said “Nothing”. There’s nothing wrong with her and she’s just a normal person minding her own business. Except. She occupies 50% of that solitary empty seat. Above and beyond 100% of her own, in case you still didn’t get it.

I know you’re getting all judgmental now. So what? You are allowed to because you don’t have to go through this everyday. Well, I too could get judgmental about all your workplace whining if I were my own boss, but I am not and so I don’t. Totally different train of thought, but anyway…

Now I don’t want to be the jerk who avoids sitting next to someone because he/she is big. Rather I don’t want the other passengers to THINK I am that jerk, so I end up sitting in that seat. Now begins the fun part.

People think I sit with half a butt hanging out in the aisle because it’s funny. They think I’m going, “Ho ho ho! It’s hilarious to watch people tripping over my leg. So hilarious that it’s worth sitting on one half of my bottom everyday, ha ha hee hee…” They glare at me for their inconvenience, not noticing that I have obviously relinquished control over half of my body to gravity. I guess they expect me to sit on Biggie’s lap.

At the next stop one other seat becomes empty. Is it okay if I move to that seat? Or would it be the social equivalent of  pointing to her and yelling, “FATTY! FATTY! FATTY!”? I decide to avoid that risk and stay put. Yes Murphy’s Law, I can see you grinning there like a sadistic idiot. Now SHUT UP!

The bus makes  a sharp left turn, pinning my obese neighbor against the window. Thank Heavens it wasn’t a sharp right or else I would have crumbled like a biscuit. After a few more transactions of people getting on and off, two adjacent seats are now vacant. WINDOW SEAT! Great excuse for ditching Biggie’s neighborhood.

Just when I get up with my bag, some dude from another seat swoops in to occupy my destination. Back to square one. Since I performed the elaborate act of standing up with my backpack – and because my bus stop is nowhere near – I put it on casually and take my seat again. This time resting only 25% butt. Remember the stupid backpack? That’s why.

I get it, okay Murphy? Your Law is the big, fat, fact of life. The universal truth. You have made your point. Now will you please leave me alone and go harass  some non-believer? Do I have to get a tattoo to prove I’m on board with your views on life’s inescapable cruelty?

Suddenly I find myself leaning into the aisle. In case you didn’t know, it’s hard to fight gravity while sitting on one-fourth of your ass. And then it hit me: the bus is making a hard right. Oh, crap!

God, if you will please make this driver slow down, I promise to… umm… well… Okay, I promise to keep that other promise to work out every alternate day. Why isn’t he slowing down? Okay, okay… I’ll work out every day! PLEASE! Are you listening? HELP! NOOOOOOO…..

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8 comments

  1. it is absolutely fine to move to the other seat… what if u accidentally elbowed her while trying to adjust ur backpack (in order to up your ass to seat coverage ratio to 0.33) and then people assuming that you intentionally did that

  2. cant you be the cool dude who walks to the end of the bus, even though there is that quarter seat smiling at you… act as if you are intently listening to music and act as if you havent noticed the seat coz u were so engrossed in the music 😛

  3. By the way ur butt is already half of what is actually considered normal!!!!!!

    it was hilarious as ur blogs are always. At this time i wanted to share a fact with u which i heard from a doc in USA, “I have never ever in my 25 yr old career of practicing medicine, come across a case of malnutrition, and moreover 60%of my patient population is obese”

  4. and just now i noticed that i ran out of my biscuit stock to have along with a cup of tea. i hope u don’t mind getting drenched in tea!!!!

  5. @Roshmi – thank you

    @Y – elbow her? dude, you know how much of an elbow I have, dont you? 😀

    @Swee – that’s a thought. Not too late, because I’ll run into her tomorrow morning anyway 😦

    @Mrunalini – one small problem: can someone buy me an ipod please?

    @Sravan – interesting to know… abt obesity, I mean


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