A few weeks before the inevitable and undesirable winter, the office-folk were narrating stories of the previous year’s snowfall. Part of an unofficial annual tradition, I figured. One of the Wish-Granting Gods flew by at that exact moment and heard me say “You know I’ve never seen snow ever in my life.” Voila!
Me to Wife: “…and when I was walking back to the car, it started SNOWING. I drove home through SNOW! Falling SNOWFLAKES! And I drove THROUGH them!! YAY!!!”
Now I admit I must give a lot of credit to my wife for keeping a straight face and an unfrustrated mind whenever I went bouncing off the walls like I was on a high. “My first international flight. Whee!” “I just saw the Empire State Building through the window. Yay!” “TOM HANKS is on TWITTER and I’m FOLLOWING him! WOO HOO!!”
You get the picture.
So when I came home with 200mg of instantly melted snowflakes on me for the first time in my life, she waited patiently for me to float back to Planet Earth. Which took a really long time because I spent the entire afternoon staring out of the window, waiting for the car engine to cool down enough to let snow settle on the hood.
I was so excited we had to celebrate that magical day by going out for dinner. I brushed all the ice and snow off the car before we started off. And then spent the entire evening sitting on my hands and howling in pain from the frostbite.
“Why the hell did you have to clean the snow with your bare hands, you dumbass?”
“Because I didn’t want to ruin the new winter gloves you got me”
There are times in a marriage when an honest, innocent and straight-from-the-heart answer will only make things worse. Case in point.
“Aren’t you at least worried? Your brother is here just for 3 weeks and now you can’t show him any of the places because of this lousy weather”
“Aw, who cares about those dumb monuments? Let’s all stay home and watch the HISTORIC SNOWSTORM!”
The full moon does strange things to some people’s minds. In my case it’s snow.
A couple of days later I gave my brother the biggest gift he ever got during his visit. A chance of a lifetime to dig the car out of the snow! You should’ve seen the look on his face. He was trying so hard to fake anger and hide his excitement. He and his little games!
The resourceful Missus fashioned a snow shovel out of a steel bowl. A strong, reliable snow shovel without a handle. As we proceeded to clear 2 feet of snow around the tiny car with a bowl, neighbors looked at us like we were digging a tunnel with a toothbrush.
I pretended to act cool the only way all my years of upbringing (in front of the TV) taught me. So I rolled up two large snowballs and fired them off towards my wife and brother.
They took my digging bowl away and handed me a spoon.
“The guy on the radio said we’re getting another snowstorm. And this will be the real ‘historic’ one, breaking all records apparently”
“Really? Woo hoo!!”
It’s hard to live with some kinds of folks. Go ask my wife.
This time we were smart about the whole game. We started scurrying around for a shovel the day before the storm. The Walmart employee looked at us like we asked for his kidneys.
Me to Wife: “So what if they don’t have any shovels. We dug the car out once and we can do it again. You have nothing to worry as long as I’m here”
(2 hours of digging later) “Nope (panting)… This one’s not our car either. Let’s move to the next one”
Two Days Later
“Another snowstorm? Are you KIDDING ME??”
I was less excited and more determined this time. Spent half the day calling hardware stores.
“Hi, I know this is a dumb question but do you happen to have any shovels in stock? Ok, are you at least expecting a shipment any time soon? Er… umm… Yes, that’s an urgent proposal and I’ll need your inputs by Friday if I have to send it out before the deadline. Ahem… sorry about that. My boss just walked by…”
(After 4 hours) “You HAVE them? TWENTY?? Can you please hold one for me? I can be there in 10 minutes. No? Ok, never mind. I’m coming over to your store right now”
Naturally I came home without a shovel. Two more days later, we are digging out again. I turn to the owner of the next car, “Hey buddy, do you happen to have a shovel I could borrow?”
“I ain’t got one on me, man. But why don’t you ask at the building front desk? They got 6 of them for folks to borrow”