DOs and DONTs for guys (reluctantly) tagging along at a gem and jewellery expo:
(a.k.a. “Ah, the things I have to endure to get my wife to watch headache-inducing 3D movies with me!”)
- Be prepared to run into every fellow South Indian living on the East Coast
- Buy some jewellery imported from India, even if only to export it to Indian relatives, saying “I got this for you from America!”
- Do one of these to avoid dying of boredom
- Fiddle with your iPhone
- Watch your baby fiddling
- Watch others’ babies fiddling
- Laugh (not aloud) at other men’s bored expressions
- Bring your dad / dad-in-law along to fight boredom together
- Stare at what everyone else is eating
- Do not stare at other women, no matter what they are doing/eating/buying/trying on
- Do not say “Why do I have to go to a jewellery expo? I don’t expect you to come with me to watch belly-dancing, right?”
- If there are no mirrors around, do not offer your shoulder for Her Highness to see how a Pashmina shawl looks. You WILL get laughed at from all the other women around. Aloud. True story.
- Do not show any interest in the featured exhibits. There is a slight probability you might find yourself lagging behind while she has moved on to the next stall (and that’s a big NO-NO)
- If you don’t like something, just say so. Do not make a funny “YUCK!” face. Especially when the stall owner is looking.
- And don’t use the phrase “looks like the carcass of a golden, gem-studded porcupine” either
- Do not point and laugh at a sign saying “Pandora-inspired”. The dealer for those funny, blue-striped beads will turn out to be a 6-feet tall, 6-feet wide bodybuilder.
- Do not say, “Who’s gonna wear THAT?” Think it, just don’t say it.
- Do not plan your exit based on the wife’s hunger-time. She will most likely be too full from all those carats (good one, eh?)
- Do not pull someone else’s hand in a hurry to move on to the next stall
- Do not stare at a group of single men. Apparently they do shop for jewellery (Who knew?)
- Do not say “Oh, I’m just looking” to a seller of precious stones. It will most certainly be followed by a “You poor bastard” look.
- Do not lie if asked “did we see those stalls already?” It is a trick question.
- Do not answer when asked “how does this look on me?” There is no answer.
As you can clearly see above, there is not much for a guy to DO at a jewellery expo. I rest my case.