The Incredible Hulk is the only superhero to rock the ‘homeless guy’ outfit – shredded pants, no shirt, no shoes. When Bruce Banner transforms into the Hulk, he usually grows so exponentially muscular and large, that his shirt is literally ripped into shreds. And his pants become shorts with inadvertent fringes on the bottom.
This often leads me to wonder: how come his pants never burst at the seams? That’s like the fault-line for any pair of trousers, right? Unless the green dude has some really weird vital stats, of course. He does seem to have an unlimited wardrobe of black trousers. Does his tailor receive special instructions to use tear-proof fabric for the butt region?
And why does L’Oreal never approach Bruce Banner to endorse cosmetics for stretch marks? Any woman on the planet would give an arm and a leg for the Hulk’s secret to perfect, marks-free skin.
Superman – Now everyone’s familiar with the most famous superhero’s most famous routine: sneaking into an empty alley or phone booth, ripping off the suit, shirt and tie (and presumably, the pants too), and breaking out the costume that is an ode to the primary colors.
The most talked about complaint about his outfit – red underwear over blue tights – was not what bothered me the most. Nor did Clark Kent’s laughable disguise (OMG, spectacles!). It’s the five feet long cape. Where does Kal-El tuck his cape while he is masquerading as Clark Kent? Into his trousers, I suppose. That must really get in the way whenever the son of Krypton needs to go potty.
Speaking of nature’s calls, what would Spiderman do if he suddenly had to go in the middle of a rescue operation? It’s not like his uniform has a discernible fly to speak of, right? Obviously it takes too long to get out of the spandex, take care of business, get back into the costume and then resume the chase sequence. That can work only if the bad guys have one leg each and are trying to get away on unicycles in rush hour traffic. There can only be one explanation: Spiderman’s real superpower is to hold the urge for several hours at a time. Take that, Nature!
Iron Man: Don’t even get me started on how he looks, when trying to take off using the mini-booster rocket thingies in his palms. It’s like striking a pose that says “I’m a pretty, pretty girl”. Let’s just agree that his only commendable superpower is to get Robert Downey Jr. to play him and move on.
He-Man was my favorite superhero during childhood for several reasons. One, his show was on Sunday mornings, so there was hardly any excuse for me to miss an episode (unlike Spidey who decided to show up only on weekday afternoons). Two, this guy has an actual weapon, which allowed me to brandish a stick and yell “GRAYSKULL!” a few thousand times a day.
But once I got thinking, I decided He-Man has the most pathetic superpower of all: the utter stupidity of all the people around him, who can’t see through his Prince Adam disguise. Prince Adam has a giant, green tiger for a pet. He-Man rides a saddled, masked, green super-tiger. Prince Adam has a blonde, feminine haircut. So does He-Man. Prince Adam wears a pink shirt and lavender trousers. AHA, but He-Man doesn’t! Hence He-Man and Prince Adam are two completely different people. The collective IQ of the planet of Eternia must be their biggest embarrassment. How else do you explain being terrorized by a hooded skeleton with a permanent, stupid grin on his face?
Batman – Now I like Batman, so I can’t really find a lot of shortcomings in his personality. Perfects his own weaponry, fights with his bare fists, no superpowers that he was born with or got bitten by. But if he gets rid of the ridiculous eyeliner, the world would be a much better place.
Wonder Woman – Invisible plane and lasso of truth. What funny stuff were her creators smoking when they drew up her arsenal? And for all the powers she’s got, she can’t afford enough fabric for herself? At least the Hulk has an excuse for being skimpily dressed.