Types of Facebook friends, in decreasing order of preference:
  • Spouse/Partner
  • Kids
  • Siblings
  • BFFs
  • Close friends
  • Parents (*groan* and yes, i do see #2 up there)
  • Cousins
  • Aunts and uncles (seriously, why?)
  • Random relatives (who are you again?)
  • Crushes
  • Exes
  • Not-so-close friends
  • Acquaintances, but not really “friends”
  • Virtually unknown friends
  • Colleagues
  • Former colleagues
  • LinkedIn contacts
  • People you don’t know but accepted the friend request just to avoid coming off as rude (good excuse for explaining all those exes)
  • People who imported all of their Gmail contacts (somebody yank their Broadband cable off, please!)
  • People who you friended because you liked their profile pic (read: good-looking women)
  • Acquaintances who share mutual friends with you
  • Strangers who share mutual friends with you
  • People who share/like your pics/posts that your friends shared/liked
  • Complete strangers
  • People you forgot even existed
  • People you don’t ever remember meeting or knowing
  • People you friended but actually hate in real life
  • People who you would wish a zombie herd upon
  • People who never speak a word to you in person but send invitations to play games/apps
  • Stalkers and trolls
  • People you unfriended because of annoying topics/frequency of posts
  • People you unfriended because of INCESSANT sharing of a specific kind of posts (see below):
    • Sai Baba’s blessings of the day
    • I’m a proud Indian
    • Switzerland Tourism Official Facebook Page
    • Auto World
    • Love from Hallmark
    • Like if you love your mother/brother/maternal aunt/neighbor/principal’s daughter/etc
    • Fathers’ Day, Women’s Day, Brothers’ Week, Second Cousins Day, Godparents Week, Hot Neighbor Month, etc.
    • Cute cats and cute (unknown) babies
    • Official Hrithik Fan Page, Anushka Hot Forever, Shakira (Unofficial)
    • Click Like and then see for yourself this amazing trick!
    • If you have a soul, please share this picture of a malnourished kid with at least 7 people in the next 1 hour
    • Did you know that Pepsi can dissolve a car in a month? and other hoaxes
    • Regional languages and hieroglyphics (Facebook is English medium!)
    • 35 minute cellphone footage with grainy video and aviation-standard decibels and simply say ‘MUST WATCH!!’ or ‘THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE MORE DRASTICALLY THAN YOUR MOTHER, EDUCATOR OR AA SPONSOR EVER COULD!!!!!!!’
That being said, without FB I wouldn’t be able to

  • Remember most of my friends’ birthdays (and some faces)
  • See amazing sights from all the exotic places they visit
  • Keep in touch with at least half a dozen people a week without making a single phone call and without getting off the toilet seat (TMI?)
  • Steer clear of emotional blackmail from comments like “you’ve forgotten us!” or “share some pictures of your baby with me too!” with minimal effort. Select > Upload > Share. Done!
  • Witness surprisingly great sense of humor from a few seemingly unassuming people
  • Share, offer, and (God forbid) ask for guaranteed help when someone is in desperate need of a roommate, advisor, guide, foreign city/country host, or even a blood/organ/bone marrow donor
  • Share this kind of insane brain-crap with you

Status update: theishu is in a love/hate relationship with Facebook.

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