Facebook

Types of Facebook friends, in decreasing order of preference:
  • Spouse/Partner
  • Kids
  • Siblings
  • BFFs
  • Close friends
  • Parents (*groan* and yes, i do see #2 up there)
  • Cousins
  • Aunts and uncles (seriously, why?)
  • Random relatives (who are you again?)
  • Crushes
  • Exes
  • Not-so-close friends
  • Acquaintances, but not really “friends”
  • Virtually unknown friends
  • Colleagues
  • Former colleagues
  • LinkedIn contacts
  • People you don’t know but accepted the friend request just to avoid coming off as rude (good excuse for explaining all those exes)
  • People who imported all of their Gmail contacts (somebody yank their Broadband cable off, please!)
  • People who you friended because you liked their profile pic (read: good-looking women)
  • Acquaintances who share mutual friends with you
  • Strangers who share mutual friends with you
  • People who share/like your pics/posts that your friends shared/liked
  • Complete strangers
  • People you forgot even existed
  • People you don’t ever remember meeting or knowing
  • People you friended but actually hate in real life
  • People who you would wish a zombie herd upon
  • People who never speak a word to you in person but send invitations to play games/apps
  • Stalkers and trolls
  • People you unfriended because of annoying topics/frequency of posts
  • People you unfriended because of INCESSANT sharing of a specific kind of posts (see below):
    • Sai Baba’s blessings of the day
    • I’m a proud Indian
    • Switzerland Tourism Official Facebook Page
    • Auto World
    • Love from Hallmark
    • Like if you love your mother/brother/maternal aunt/neighbor/principal’s daughter/etc
    • Fathers’ Day, Women’s Day, Brothers’ Week, Second Cousins Day, Godparents Week, Hot Neighbor Month, etc.
    • Cute cats and cute (unknown) babies
    • Official Hrithik Fan Page, Anushka Hot Forever, Shakira (Unofficial)
    • Click Like and then see for yourself this amazing trick!
    • If you have a soul, please share this picture of a malnourished kid with at least 7 people in the next 1 hour
    • Did you know that Pepsi can dissolve a car in a month? and other hoaxes
    • Regional languages and hieroglyphics (Facebook is English medium!)
    • 35 minute cellphone footage with grainy video and aviation-standard decibels and simply say ‘MUST WATCH!!’ or ‘THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE MORE DRASTICALLY THAN YOUR MOTHER, EDUCATOR OR AA SPONSOR EVER COULD!!!!!!!’
That being said, without FB I wouldn’t be able to

  • Remember most of my friends’ birthdays (and some faces)
  • See amazing sights from all the exotic places they visit
  • Keep in touch with at least half a dozen people a week without making a single phone call and without getting off the toilet seat (TMI?)
  • Steer clear of emotional blackmail from comments like “you’ve forgotten us!” or “share some pictures of your baby with me too!” with minimal effort. Select > Upload > Share. Done!
  • Witness surprisingly great sense of humor from a few seemingly unassuming people
  • Share, offer, and (God forbid) ask for guaranteed help when someone is in desperate need of a roommate, advisor, guide, foreign city/country host, or even a blood/organ/bone marrow donor
  • Share this kind of insane brain-crap with you

Status update: theishu is in a love/hate relationship with Facebook.

Like. Comment.

Question Marks

Have I told you about my recent trip to India? Did I tell you about the family wedding I attended? And how about all distant relatives I got to meet? Do you have any idea how many new acquaintances one makes at an Indian wedding? How many of them do you think last more than a few minutes? Does it feel like I’m asking too many questions? Good. Now you’re ready to hear the rest of the story.

I realized a few days ago that we’re all taught a highly standardized conversation technique since childhood: How’re you? How’s your family? How’re things in your town? It’s always the same progression, from the person to the village/state/country/planet, depending on who you meet and greet. And seldom any useful questions.

Most times, the conversation starts off with the typical inquiries and then suddenly flies off into a weird-ass tangent. During times like these I would really, really like to follow such idiotic questions with equally charming answers.

Old relative: How’s your wife?
Me: She’s doing fine.
Old relative: How long have you two been married?
Me: We had our second anniversary recently.
Old relative: How come no kids yet?
Actually, I was waiting all these years for you to pop that question. Wait right here and I’ll be back in a sec with triplets!!

Random acquaintance: Where do you stay in the US?
Me: Just outside Washington, DC.
Random acquaintance: So how about that Tri-Valley University, huh? What’s the solution to that situation?
What awesome deduction, genius! Since I live only a few thousand miles away, I must obviously possess the expertise on all political issues. Why don’t YOU share your wise thoughts on how to resolve the Telangana issue and put the country out of its misery?

Uncle: How long has it been since you went abroad?
Me: Almost 2 years now.
Uncle: So what’s the plan? Coming back eventually or not?
Of course, it all depends. Which country are you fleeing to?

God-knows-who: How are you? You look just like your father.
Me: Fine. Thanks.
God-knows-who: Do you recognize me?
You mean from that one time we met when I was 3 years old? Why yes, of course, baldy!

Colleague: How was your trip? Did you notice a lot of changes in India?
Yep. They’re all celebrating every day that you’re not around any more.

Boss: I came by your desk twice and you weren’t there. Did you go to the bathroom?
No, I went to blow my nose. Did you want to come and watch?

Goobledygook

Hello world!

It’s been almost a year, huh? Don’t worry, I’m still alive and getting kicked. I have tried to abstain from this favorite pastime to motivate myself to pursue some goals. You know how we men are; we don’t give unless you take something away from us.

Anyway, I’m back now and hopefully regular too. And I’m proud to report that all those goals are still as far away as they were. Sometimes you need to let the donkey nibble at the carrot too, if you want him to keep pulling your fat ass. (In case you didn’t get that, take a teaspoonful of seawater and drown in it).

I visited my own blog yesterday after a billion years (just to see if WordPress has still kept it alive). And here’s the biggest surprise: it’s been receiving a steady stream of a small number of visitors every day. Do you know how happy that makes me? FINALLY there are at least 2 people in the world who are more jobless than I am! I love you guys, whoever you are.

Among the biggest developments during this hiatus, here’s the most significant: a busload of my relatives have now gnawed their way into my online life. Frankly it’s too late for me now to join the “Help! My parents are on Facebook” page. When my DNA network infiltrated my social network, my first thought was, “Oh, shit! Now I have to censor all the weird thoughts that I type here”.

But for some strange reason I now have an inexplicable urge to write down more and more naughty crap like “fat ass”, “shit” and of course “crap”. Maybe I’ll soon add “farts” and “butt-cracks” to my regular vocabulary. It’s as if my online persona has grown a tail. And I just want to keep waving it around behind me, just to see what I can knock off and get away with. It feels so liberating because I’ve always been sort of a goody-goody nice guy. Heck, I never even swear at anyone.

Except at my wife, but only when she punches me really hard. And that’s something I never understand, because I honestly believe I’m a great catch. Why would anyone want to punch a smart, sophisticated guy like me with cute looks and a killer sense of humor? Take for instance, just this morning, when the missus came back from the bathroom and asked, “Was it you who turned off the humidifier?”

Me: “Nope”

She: “So was it already off?”

Me: “Nope”

She: “Then?”

Me: “I turned it off”

Another punch! Now do you believe me when I say she doesn’t have a funnybone? But hey, I’m not complaining. There are still at least 2 people in the world somewhere, who do get my humor.

And then theishu was tagged

I’m finally getting off my lazy butt and succumbing to the tag fever that’s doing rounds all over the blogosphere. Athena and ThoughtfulTrain, I’m keeping my word by taking up this tag:

4 Places I Have Lived

Chennai – Spent the longest part of my life there. Unexpectedly, I love this place above all else, because this is the only city I’m confident of not getting lost in

Vijayawada – An on-and-off relationship with this cozy town, which I have always kept returning to. Planning to fade away into a quiet neighborhood here after I’m old (and filthy rich)

Pilani – Dusty, dirty, boring, dry, highly inaccessible and takes forever to reach. And yet spent the best 4 years of my life here. 🙂

Indore – If it weren’t for the wife factor, Indore would outrank Pilani. Unforgettable hilltop, irresistable highway, insane race against time on a bike at 10.40pm 😀 and above all, friends for life. Life begins outdoors in Indore.

4 Favorite TV Shows

F.R.I.E.N.D.S – (That was so obvious!)

LOST – One of the best storylines ever with great production value, in spite of some unnecessary subplots and a few contrived twists

Everybody Loves Raymond – Best time to watch: a few months into married life 🙂

Coupling – Not exactly PG-13, I know. But this one is undeniably hilarious!

4 Vacation Spots

Maldives – Wife is proud of my research for the best honeymoon destination in the world. Hands down winner!

Ooty – Not exactly dazzling after all these years, but got some great memories with my family.

Hyderabad – A bit overqualified for this category, but if the traffic was any more tolerable in the long run, I would bump it up to the first group. Never settled down + had loads of fun with everyone I cared about = Vacation spot.

Bora Bora – Haven’t been there yet, but who said that was a disqualifying factor?

4 Favorite Foods

I’ll answer this when they forward a tag with 400 items instead of 4

4 Daily Websites

Gmail

CNN

NYTimes

Twitter (haven’t been there for a while. Hmm…)

4 Places I’d Rather Be (seriously, what kind of a dumbass question is this?)

Heaven

Home

Parents’ home

A swimming pool

(I bet you can’t even tell I’m frustrated by now)

4 Things To Do Before I Die (question sponsored by Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, I suppose)

Eurotrip

Write a book

Be regarded as ‘exemplary’

Save a life

4 Books I Wish I Was Reading For The First Time

Papillon – highly recommended

Lord of the Rings – because even I cant do this a second time

The Green Mile

A Brief History of Time – so that I won’t know I’ll stop understanding it after a few chapters

4 Movies I Can Watch Again & Again (NOW we’re talking!)

The Man from Earth

The Dark Knight

Golmaal (Please! The Amol Palekar version)

Cast Away

Whew! It’s done. And I’m NOT gonna tag anyone else because I’m probably the only one left.

And then his newest fan moonwalked

Watching the news, when my friend’s 6-year old walks in:

She: “Who is Michael Jackson?”

I: “He is the world’s greatest dancer. You know, I’m a big fan of his.”

She: “But you don’t dance”

I: “Yes, but I still like his dances. There are a lot of people who can’t dance, yet they like him the best.”

A thoughtful pause.

She: “Why are those girls crying?”

I: “Because they are big fans of Michael Jackson. They liked him a lot.”

She: “Did you cry too?”

I: “No, but I was very sad.”

She: “Why are all those people standing there?”

I: “They came to say goodbye. He was the favorite of lots and lots of people.”

She: “Why?”

I: “Well, because… because when they heard his songs and saw his dance, they found that everyone else did too. So all the people became friends and listened to his songs together”

She: “That’s cool”

I: “Yeah, I know. That’s why he is the greatest”

She: “He looks really scary”

I: “Well, that’s because he became old and sick. You see that picture right now? That’s what he used to look like before”

She: “Why did his face change from black to white?”

I: “Hmm… that’s because of plastic surgery”

She: “What is plastic surgy?”

I: “It’s uh… He became very sick, so the doctors had to change his face to look like that”

She: “It looks very scary”

I: “Yeah, but he wasn’t always scary-looking. See him singing there? He looked much better when he was a kid”

She: “How old was he then?”

I: “I’m not sure. Around 10 or 12. That’s when he started becoming famous.”

She: “At 12? Wow.”

I: “I know”

She: “They are not showing him dancing”

I: “You want to see him dance?”

She: “Yes”

Playing a Youtube clip…

I: “This is one of his best dances. See the way he’s walking?”

She: “Why is he doing that?”

I: “That’s just a style. He is going backwards, but he looks like he is walking forward”

She: “Can you walk like that?”

I: “No. Only a very few people in the world can do that”

She: “Are they famous too?”

I: “No”

She: “Why not?”

I: “Because Michael Jackson can sing, dance as well as make really good music which everyone likes. Most people can do only of those at a time”

She: “Oh”

I: “So you like his dance?”

She: “Yeah. I’m going to walk like that from now.”

And then I got more jobless

I started a new photoblog.

And not because I too wanted a second blog. It’s just that I hate Flickr’s upload limit, I don’t want to share my Picasa albums with everyone and Orkut/Facebook simply make pics look ugly. And most of all, every good picture has a story worth telling and it just doesn’t fit into the caption box below the picture.

So go on, take a look and share your photos too. Visit Klik.

And then the Pied Piper returns

Who knew mob mentality had a positive touch too? Check out this viral video demonstrating ‘the Power of One’. Came across this one on Twitter.

And in case you are going to watch it again, look out for some real funnies among the people – like the woman in blue bulldozing through the crowd at around 1:30 and an obviously overjoyed, screaming fellow human at 1:45. Share more such brilliant gems in case I’ve missed them. 🙂

And then Jackie Chan fainted

I have to admit, the following is NOT my original work. Taken verbatim from a comment on Jackie Chan’s blog:

Hi sir, great fan of yours, i am from India My Name is <name masked>. As you have done such graet job in your film life and still working very hard, just few points i would like to sugesst you if you plase read it, i belive it would work for people who know you or for other who are still dont know more about you, Bellow mentioned Points 1.Make a documentary on Martial art and visit personaly in another countries to learn the arts and show those fights in that program. (like Fight Quest which is runing on Discovery Channel) and telecast on Discovery or National Geographic, i belive you are only one who can understand the tips of fight and when you will fight on the screen people realy would love to see this…. Note : It would not real fight but kind of real… 2. Make a movie with Bollywood stars, Sublect should be a coman man who live in North East (India Near Chaina Border)with family and try to sevive with there family because he is now around 45,50 so no body is ready to give him the job and his son is not in a good company some bad boys are his friends, earlier that old man was a fighter who fight for money but now he is old, suddeny the family got in Trubel and the old man came back in his old life becouse the lion alway a lion while he is old or young… 3. Shunjuku Incedence is the good stap for future keep it up please…. I hope you will think on those points Thans & Regards <e-mail address masked>

My heartfelt sympathies for Jackie Chan.